Why don’t women use their ammo?

There is a war against women raging in Washington, DC; in Middle America; in the Vatican…anywhere men are feeling intimidated by us. We have the power to win this war once and for all, yet we do not use it. The power of procreation. The power to continue our species or to let it die out. Sure humanity, well science, has invented the way of the test tube, or petrie dish child, but it’s my understanding they still need our eggs from which to grow these spawn of the laboratories.

So again I ask… Why don’t we use our power to, for instance, stop wars… “We’re not giving birth to anymore men and women for governments to kill off.” You want to control my body? I say, NO!! Go perpetuate the species without my ovum! Sure, this blog is born from a frustrated woman who doesn’t understand why men are so hell-bent on controling us, rather than cherishing us. If I’m not mistaken these same men were born from some woman’s womb, right?

So women AGAIN I ASK… Why are some of us becoming female misogynists, rather than uniting and using that Nature-given power and blackmailing these sons of women before they somehow make it illegal to be a woman?

Jus’ askin’…

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The 1st of 1,000 Steps

A Journey: 1750 Miles and Counting

A bit about me. I’m not a very nice person, but I’m good with that. It’s been my experience that “nice” can hide plethora of evils. I like that word…plethora…sounds so much better than “a shitload” doesn’t it? But I digress…I’ll be doing that a lot so if stream-of-consciousness isn’t your cup of tea then you should probably stop here. I’ll be jumping around as thoughts pop into my head and begin clearing the cobwebs in my memory warehouse. Like I was saying, I’m not into “nice”. I try instead for good. Good is just, good. It can’t hide evil, because they’re polar opposites. If one isn’t good, they’re evil. I also try to keep things as simple as that. Sure there are grey areas and as I am a human being I’m sure I rationalize that simple philosophy until it’s unrecognizable. However, because being good instead of evil is…

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Just. Say. NO!

Treat people the way you want to be treated. Right? That’s the way to live one’s life. Even if you have no expectation of getting that in return. Right?

I’m sorry, but if someone asks me if I can do a favor for them…even if I ask for time to think about it…I at the very least give them a fuckin’ answer!!

What the hell is wrong with people?! I ask for a favor and I either get no answer or, “I’ll think about it”..which still ends up being no answer.

And these are some of the same people I’ve had conversations with about personal responsibility. Where’s UNcommon courtesy?!

There are some really cowardly, hypocritical bipeds walking around out here and I, for one, have had enough of their shyte! If someone asks for a favor and you don’t want to do it…


It’s ok. A negative answer is way better than none at all!

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Now, Why Don’t She Call?

kitten-best-friendsFriends. It’s a simple enough word. Merriam Webster defines it as, “…a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.” There’s nothing in that definition that describes the KINDS of friends we can be, or need, or have; or even how long one is supposed to be friends.

I’ve been friends with a great many people in my life. Some are still around in spite of or because of who I am. Some are not around anymore for whatever reason. Not all friends, “un”-friend you and tell you why.

Now when we start adding qualifiers like “best”, “oldest”, “good”, etc.; then being one’s friend gets a bit trickier. Do we befriend people who are like us? Sure, we do. Birds of a feather and all that. Should we befriend people who aren’t like us? Also, sure. How can anyone grow as a person when they’re consistently surrounded by the same kinds of people?

What kind of friend am I? Trickier, still. I think I’m a good friend, when I let people in. I’m a good listener. I “give” people space to be who they are without judgment. I do my best to follow the Golden Rule. I can keep a secret. I call my friends on their personal BS in order to help them see all sides and not simply their own. When we communicate. Apparently, I am NOT a good friend because I don’t keep in constant communication with people all the time. No reason or excuse. It’s just not me.

I once read an article that spoke about different kinds of personalities and though I didn’t know the term existed, I identified with “introverted extrovert”. Sounds like a massive rationalization, but it describes me. I am a writer and tend to live inside my head. I like it there. I’m safe in there. No one can hurt me. When I’m invited to go places, sometimes I accept but most of the time I’m broke so I don’t. I know I have friends who don’t have a problem paying my way, but all the time? Besides, I was raised in a “God bless the child who has its own” household.

I’m also the kind of writer who, for better or worse, saves words for her fiction and characters’ dialogue. I don’t tend to be able to verbalize what’s in my head in a coherent manner. I guess that’s why I love to write. I can think about what I want to say, how I want to say it and to consider whether or not it should be said in the first place, while staring at a blank page or screen. If I open my mouth, well, let’s just say I suffer from “foot-in-mouth” disease. Either that, or …**crickets**… because I have nothing to say.

Now, sure I can keep in contact via Facebook or Twitter or any of the other myriad social networking sites available to us, but at the end of the day it seems that’s not enough to retain some friendships.

I like people, er, most of the time. I like engaging with them and getting to know them. I like learning how to see the world through others’ eyes. I like connecting with people and learning from them and, perhaps imparting some ideas/thoughts that sorta-kinda resemble words of wisdom so they can learn from me.

But, back to the constant contact, thing. This seems to be a pre-requisite for being a “good” friend. I’m not sure why. I have a friend who I’ve known since 1990. She is a bit of a nomad, so we don’t get to see each other that often. When we think about each other, or see something we know the other would appreciate, we contact one another. I don’t speak to her consistently, but our affection for each other has not diminished. In fact, it has only gotten stronger over the years. I am grateful for and blessed by our friendship. We’ve accepted the way in which our friendship expresses itself.

Acceptance is an amazing thing. If one were granting wishes  mine would be about my friends; that they would accept me for me, as I have done and still do for them. Accept that though they may not hear from me, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like/love them anymore. It doesn’t mean that I am ignoring or abandoning them. It only means that I am, at all times, simply being me. The “me” you liked in the first place. The “me” that made you want to call me “friend”.

I hope this isn’t coming across as  a “whine”. It isn’t meant to be. I’m trying to figure out if, while I’m growing as a person, I need to adjust my outlook with regards to friends and people in my life. I like being alone. I like my company. I like living inside my head. I also like hanging out with and engaging with my peers. However, if my peers who are my friends don’t contact me out of some “tit-for-tat” reason: “Well, if she’s not going to keep in touch, why should I?”; do I really need these people in my life? Am I lonely? Sometimes. Does that mean I need to change who I am to no longer be lonely? It’s one thing to change a character flaw or bad habit, but to change that which makes one who they are… Is having friends really worth it? I don’t know.

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2,437 / 4 = Going Nowhere, Fast!

I know it’s been a while, but I feel as though I met vent to the precious few of you who have been generous enough to follow my blog. I hope you’re all still there…*crickets*

I have done the math and in the past 18 months I have submitted my resume for various jobs 2,437 times. (That was as of yesterday, 4/9/14). Out of those 2,437 resumes, I have had 4 interviews. Yep, 4. Not a typo.

My mounting frustration at this, is making me reach my limit. Everyone has one, you know. A limit. That’s that thing that makes us accept all kinds of shyte from people and the world around us. I don’t want to throw up my hands and accept where I am.

Don’t get me wrong. I like my job. It allows me to do a great many things that I wouldn’t be able to do otherwise. The only problem is that I’m barely surviving these days and I’m not ashamed to admit that I want more. I want to live, not simply survive. Doesn’t everyone? I mean I am TRULY grateful for being able to help provide a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs (even if it’s not the healthiest, because healthy food is incredulously more expensive than food that isn’t!); and, occasionally when absolutely necessary see a doctor. (Though I WOULD like to be able to see mine more often to help maintain my health and not when it’s an emergency because I couldn’t.)

I have submitted my resume, networked live and on social media AND, I might add, I’m no slouch. I have the experience and mental “chops” to take on a wide variety of responsibilities. I just have the audacity to be looking for a career and not simply “another job”. I have the audacity to be looking for a something that will elevate me to the ranks of the truly wealthy. You know! Those people who do what they love for a living? Yeah, them. I want to be THAT kind of “rich”! THAT is truly living!

And 2,437 tries later, I’m going nowhere INCREDIBLY fast! So, what do I do except keep doing what I’m doing?! Someone? Anyone? (Bueller?!) I want to be able to stop and smell the roses, instead of hurrying off to another job and not taking notice of the world around me. Is THAT so wrong? I certainly don’t think so. I think I have EVERY right to seek out a life, rather than simply an existence. I know the Buddhist in me says, just be. The pragmatist in me quotes Charlotte Vale in NOW VOYAGER, “Let’s not ask for the moon. We have the stars.” (The stars in this little missive being my existence.)

But the optimist in me (yes, there’s one way, way, WAY, deep down under all the crude)… The optimist in me quotes Whitman, “The untold want, by life and land ne’er granted. Now voyager, sail thou forth to seek and find.” (A quote, coincidentally, that was given to Charlotte Vale to help her to “seek and find” a life after being helped to emerge from her “prison”. Y’all should see that movie, if you haven’t. It’s pretty awesome!)

I just need the Universe to open that window, because the door behind me has been closed for a long time and the air in here is getting pretty stale. Just one window and I’ll do the rest.

I’m just like everyone else, you know, when it all comes down to it. I just want to be able to “seek and find” my spot. My niche.

Back to it then… 2,438…

Posted in career, eating, economy, education, existence, food, happiness, healthcare, healthy food, humanity, injustice, introspection, life, passion, politics, race, survival, want, wealth, women, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Talk

Apparently, this is STILL relevant. FUCK!

ADauphin's Blog

As a parent, there are so many talks that all parents must have with their children during certain times in their lives. During kindergarten, it’s the anatomical difference between boys and girls. During grammar school it might be why we must share with others. As they progress into high school it would be a talk about sex, drugs and anything else through which peer pressure might make your teenager do stupid things.

As an African-American parent of an African-American male of this age, my talk included how to live and escape being harassed, bullied, tortured or killed because of his race.

I have, until this time in my son’s life, taught him that his race shouldn’t matter when it comes to what he wants to be, or who he befriends, or who he falls in love with. His race is simply what he is born of, but not what he…

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That’s what I call common courtesy these days because NO ONE is commonly courteous anymore.

Just now, my boss went to speak with a co-worker and was waiting for her to finish her conversation before speaking with her. You know, the formerly common courtesy we’ve (humans) shown each other in the past? Well, apparently this co-worker was never raised to return common courtesy and acknowledge someone who is waiting to speak with her. Yep, dear readers! This co-worker simply ignored my boss and went merrily on her way.

**blogger currently shaking her head now**

However, this same co-worker has complained to her VP that our department (there are three of us) has been rude to her on occasion and we’ve had to apologize. But because of this co-worker’s lack of people skills AND her expectation that people should excuse her behavior because she is a privileged person of means, we shouldn’t expect respect from her because she’s all that and a bag of chips. Right?

Whatever! Listen. If someone opens the door for you; if someone waits for you to finish a sentence before speaking; if someone let’s you go first through a doorway… FRAKKIN’ SAY THANK YOU! In order to pay it forward, if someone is uncommonly courteous to you, return the respect! I mean FRAK! What effort does it take to say, “PLEASE” “THANK YOU” and “EXCUSE ME”?!?!?!! What effort does it take to acknowledge when someone is trying to speak with you?!?!

Perhaps, collectively, we can make uncommon courtesy, common again. We keep calling ourselves civilization, yet we are increasingly UN-FRAKKIN’-CIVILIZED to each other.

It’s a little thing that means a lot.

Jus’ sayin’…

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Enough Is Enough! Screw the 2nd Amendment!

I usually try to be pretty fair about the stuff I blog about. I try to live my life seeing things from others’ POV.

Not now. Not this time.

At approximately 9:30am EST in Newtown CT a man entered an elementary school and started shooting; children, adults anyone who he saw. According to a tweet I saw on Twitter, he used a .223 assault rifle. We’re still getting bits an pieces of information as the news media updates us on the number of dead and injured, but so far there are approximately 27 dead, which includes adults AND children.

Of course, with horrific tragedies like this, people are saying things like we need more gun control and blaming the POTUS because he seems to be ok with the status quo as it regards keeping guns out of criminals’ hands.

I say screw that shit!

Why EXACTLY do human beings feel like they NEED a gun?! ESPECIALLY an assault rifle or semi-automatic ANYTHING?! Some moron tweeted that no one NEEDS an assault rifle but it’s called the Bill of RIGHTS not the Bill of NEEDS. REALLY?!?! I’d love for him to say that to one of the parents of the dead!

Screw the 2nd amendment and screw gun control! It’s obvious that gun control legislation not only doesn’t work but is largely ignored by criminals. The NRA would rather the entire population be armed so we can all kill each other off. I don’t know this to be true or factual, but it doesn’t seem as thought the NRA membership gives a rat’s ass about anyone’s life.

Human beings do not need guns. Period. You want to hunt? Use a bow and arrow. As far as I know they’re still pretty effective at killing people. Someone pissing you off? Have a fist fight. Having a disagreement with one of your children’s teachers? I’m pretty sure there are a great many ways to resolve it without resorting to violence. Or, are you simply crazy and just want to spread your crazy around? If this is so, no amount of gun control is going to stop you from getting one and blow someone away.

If there are no guns to be had, well, you do the “math”! Let’s just initiate and pass legislation to abolish guns already so our children don’t have to be armed to get a frakkin’ education.

Jus’ sayin’…

Posted in 2nd amendment, assault weapons, childhood, Connecticut, education, gun control, gun violence, guns, humanity, injustice, Newtown CT, NRA, politics, POTUS, President Obama, rifles, scary, school shooting, semi-automatic weapons, U.S. Congress, Uncategorized, United States, violence | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

LET’S Make It Hap’n, Cap’n!

OK, so four more years for Barack Obama. I am relatively happy about it. He seems to be, in my humble opinion, a good man who believes in what he says he wants to do for this country of ours. However, he’s still got an uphill battle to fight when it comes to getting any of his legislation passed through this divided Congress. I mean, what makes us think that it won’t be status quo? Boehner is still Speaker. As far as I can tell, most Republicans still don’t like POTUS and will continue to do everything they can to make sure nothing will continue to happen with regards to the economy, healthcare (four more years could mean another go at a public option if cooler (and saner) heads prevailed); equal pay for women, equality for ALL human beings (I mean, we have THAT much in common and it’s not a little thing); universal access to an education we don’t have to go into debt to get… you know the important stuff?!

But then there’s Congress. Sure we made some historical leaps there, the 113th Congress will have at least 20 female senators, the most ever! These women include Democrats Elizabeth Warren (a DAMN good writer- check out her essay (http://bostonreview.net/BR30.5/warrentyagi.php) in the Boston Review); Tammy Baldwin, and Mazie Hirono, who all are the first female Senators from their states. Baldwin is happily the first openly gay Senator-elect, and Hirono is the first Asian-American woman in the Senate. (I did a triple blink on Hirono. The first Asian-American woman!! That’s not only a milestone for our Senate. It’s also a rarity for Asian-American woman, period.) The House of Representatives will also hold a record number of women this term, with 77 Congresswomen elected so far and several races still to be called. The current record high for the House is 73 women. Some of the new Congresswomen include Tulsi Gabbard and Tammy Duckworth. White men, for the first time ever, will no longer be the majority of the Democratic caucus in the new House (I can’t stop myself from squealing with girlish glee at this one and anyone who knows me, realizes how crazy that is).

Republicans, as we all know by now still hold the House in their small-minded, greedy, and short-sighted grips. One would think that they will have learned something from Election night 2012. That the majority of the people have made their choice for POTUS; that this majority is not too happy with the stalemate begun in the 2010 mid-term elections; that this majority is tired of the back-biting and finger-pointing and sooooo ready for some real movement toward answers to this country’s problems. One would also think that the House is made up of representatives from the states that make up this union and these states are filled with people who chose them to represent THEIR best interests and not those of the representatives. Right? I mean that’s what the House of Representatives is SUPPOSED to do, yes? Now I’m no political science prodigy or anything but I don’t think that it’s in the best interests of their constituents to continue to get nothing done so that they are prevented from having some frakkin’ pride in themselves. You know, the pride of getting up in the morning and going to work? The pride of supporting one’s self and not having to latch onto the federal teat. (That’s right. Most the “47%” want to support ourselves. I know that’s been attributed solely to Mr. Romney, but he was in a room filled with others who were laughing agreeably as he so eloquently stated what I believe many other Republicans think.) Remember, HofR? Remember YOUR job description?!

If, and it’s a BIG hope-against-hope if… IF the Republicans have learned something from Election night 2012, then logic will prevail. They’ll start thinking more about what they’re in DC to do, rather than feeling sorry for themselves and dragging their constituents backwards so that they’re forced to start sucking on that teat. Maybe more jobs will be created so that people can start working. Maybe more teachers can be hired to relieve the over-crowding that is happening in public schools and our children will get an education comparable if not better than their counterparts overseas. Maybe when people start working they’ll get up off of some money and spend it, stimulating the economy without POTUS having to institute another federal stimulus putting us deeper in debt. Maybe, just maybe some of those jobs will be manufacturing jobs and the U.S. will be known for making something other than money and war. Wouldn’t that be a kick?! However, it probably won’t happen because the House isn’t too much of an Obama fan as I said before and as long as they’ve got this vendetta… well you do the math.

Yeah. I’m relatively happy about Obama’s re-election, but he’s got to stop acquiescing and trying to make friends with the bullies in the yard. He’s got his four more years. Now it’s time to find the toughest bully in the yard and take away his power, somehow. Then the other bullies will fall in line. Then the Cap’n can make shit hap’n. (Wow. Wouldn’t that be the coolest thing?!) I know that’s a pipe dream and I don’t want Obama to change who is, but he sure needs to change his approach so his agenda (which I believe, in theory, is an agenda that’s good for this country); I mean I, for one, would love, love, LOVE it if millionaires started paying more taxes so that I could, somewhere down the line stop paying their share. Wouldn’t you? Do you think that’s even a possibility with THIS Congress? I mean it’s not like Obama’s not comin’ deep, right? Michelle and the girls and his closest advisors certainly have his back. Not to mention the 58,720,700 of us that voted for him. Strength in numbers, right?

And that’s the thing (and it’s a pretty big thing). We can’t just leave Obama hangin’ like we did in 2008. I heard people saying it and I’m sure you either heard people saying it too, or you were the ones saying it: “Ok, we got him in there. Let’s see what he can do.” Anyone see a problem with that? It’s a simple pronoun issue. It shouldn’t be “let’s see what HE can do”; it should be “let’s see what WE can do”. He’s our president, not our father. He can’t just go to work everyday and bring home the answers to our problems while we wait for things to change without doing our chores.

Fellow Obama supporters, I’m serious here. Whatever your one (or two or three or seventy-five) issue vote counted for you need to do what you can do to help him make it happen. I mean it takes no time at all to send your representative or senator a short note stating how you want them to vote on your issue(s). It takes even less time to sign a petition. Stay informed. Read news from all over and from different sources because, guess what? We will be where we were election night 2008, in four more years, with no incumbent to “fall back” on. But as an informed citizenry perhaps we can start making better decisions when it comes to choosing our leaders. Leaders that remember that they are, at the end of the day, public servants. Public servants, not corporate servants or private interest servants. That can only happen if they fear losing their jobs; and THAT can only happen if we keep an eye on them and help them, help us. Again, so not a political science guru but isn’t that the democracy thing we’re supposed to be so proud of?

I’m jus’ sayin’…

Posted in 113th U.S. Congress, economy, education, Election 2012, equality, gay, GLBT, healthcare, House of Representatives, humanity, introspection, lesbian, Mitt Romney, political science, politics, POTUS, President Obama, public service, Republicans, Senate, U.S. Congress, Uncategorized, United States, vote, women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

There’s nothing politically correct about Halloween…nor should there be!

Halloween is and has always been my favorite holiday. It’s a chance for the “darkness” in me to come out and express itself. It’s a chance to be horrifyingly silly on a day when scaring people and silliness is allowed… or, is it?

Last year I read an article stating that it’s wrong to wear Halloween costumes of other cultures because of the possibility that anyone of that culture would be offended. First of all, dressing up as a Native American for Halloween seems pretty lame to me (no offense to my Native sisters and brothers); and, I think Native Americans have plenty of more important issues, like rampant poverty for instance, to attend to. I mean how scary or silly is that? Not very. If someone were to show up at a Halloween party as a Spanish flamenco dancer, I wouldn’t be impressed. A Spanish flamenco zombie? Now we’re talking!!

Halloween’s origins date back to the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain (pronounced sow-in). The Celts, who lived 2,000 years ago in the area that is now Ireland, the United Kingdom and northern France, celebrated their new year on November 1. This day marked the end of summer and the harvest and the beginning of the dark, cold winter, a time of year that was often associated with human death. Celts believed that on the night before the new year, the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead became blurred. On the night of October 31 they celebrated Samhain, when it was believed that the ghosts of the dead returned to earth. In addition to causing trouble and damaging crops, Celts thought that the presence of the otherworldly spirits made it easier for the Druids, or Celtic priests, to make predictions about the future. For a people entirely dependent on the volatile natural world, these prophecies were an important source of comfort and direction during the long, dark winter. To commemorate the event, Druids built huge sacred bonfires, where the people gathered to burn crops and animals as sacrifices to the Celtic deities. During the celebration, the Celts wore costumes, typically consisting of animal heads and skins, and attempted to tell each other’s fortunes. When the celebration was over, they re-lit their hearth fires, which they had extinguished earlier that evening, from the sacred bonfire to help protect them during the coming winter.

Now I will say that I am glad that no one has kept the “burning of animals” as a tradition. And can you imagine someone wearing animal heads and skins to celebrate Halloween today?! OMG, PETA would probably burn said person as a sacrifice! That said, it would be awesome to see someone dressed up as a buffalo hunter (i.e., a buffalo costume, carrying a rifle)!

See?! Halloween costumes can be witty and scary and funny, even if you’re dressed up as a rule 63 (i.e., for every character there exists one of opposite gender), beloved comic book character that happens to be in a wheelchair. I doubt if disabled people with decent senses of humor will launch a protest with placards… Occupy Halloween?!?! Puh-lease!

This Halloween I hope to see many silly, off-color, scary and original costumes trick-or-treating. If we truly want to be PC about Halloween costumes, perhaps we should expend that kind of energy protesting sparkly vampires and werewolves. Give me back the Halloweens when vampires and werewolves had fake blood dripping from their fangs and there wasn’t a sparkle in sight!


Jus’ sayin’…

Posted in All Hallow's Eve, childhood, costumes, Halloween, injustice, introspection, politically correct, politically incorrect, race, Samhain, scary, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Unrequited Dating (Or What I Miss When I Have My Head Up My A$$)

Today marks the 4th wedding anniversary (yeah it was a civil union because we don’t live in an enlightened state but SCREW IT they’re frakkin’ married in my eyes!) of two friends of mine. This led me to start thinking (which for those of you who know me is a scarily arduous and most times convoluted act) about my romantic life, or lack thereof. Being in a relationship is a lot of work for any of us who are fortunate enough to find that special some one and I applaud ANYONE who knows this and still goes through with it. However being in a LGBT relationship just adds more shyte we have to carry and get through mostly because of heteroes and their judgments, therefore LGBT couples get standing ovations for deciding to still get hitched.

I have a great many issues (well, really subscriptions because OMG! has my romantic life been a royal frak up on so many different levels that the light from frakked up would take 50 million light years to reach me!!!) when it comes to dating. One major issue (and the reason for this blog) is my rigidness when it comes to those potential dates who are out or not.

I met this woman on a LGBT online dating site, only it turned out, initially, that she was looking for a friend and not a mate. In one of the first emails she sent me she stated that she wasn’t gay, nor was she bi or even bi-curious. I absorbed this and decided to befriend her even though I was really looking for a date and not necessarily another friend.

As time went on, I found we had some things in common, though she had her own rigidness to deal with when it came to things she did or did not believe versus what I did or did not believe. But what’s the point of befriending someone who has EVERYTHING in common with you? There can’t be any growth or anything new to learn, whether or not you agree with it. Then to my great surprise, I found myself getting frustrated with her, mostly because I was falling for her and there was nowhere to go with these feelings. I then did something really stupid, mostly because my head was up my a$$. Instead of talking this out with her and both of us trying to do something (or nothing) about these feelings, I emailed her that I had to withdraw from her completely because I knew she was hetero and I was initially looking for a date and not a friend and, yadda, yadda, yadda… yeah, I told you my head was up my a$$!

THEN, a few months later she emails me that she wanted us to meet to go to an LGBT event (as what happens with some online connections we hadn’t actually met yet so this would have been our first meeting); and that she was exploring some new-found interests in her life (now all of a sudden she’s frakkin’ curious!); and she misses hearing my sexy voice and, yadda, yadda, yadda… yeah, my head is still up my a$$ at this point and it takes me a while to figure out what to say…

So here we are a month later from her email and I respond with an apology for my “I-don’t-need-another-frakkin’-friend” email and if she’s in a forgiving mood can we make up and be friends (not to mention I’m willing to help her through this curious time in her life). I should also mention at this point that I’ve also reached out to an ex-FWB (Friend With Benefits) to reconnect with her.

Now here’s my internal turmoil… Did I FINALLY respond to Ms. OK-so-I-AM-Curious and reach out to my ex-FWB because I’m lonely and this will pass? Do I still harbor feelings for Ms. OK-So-I-AM-Curious and that’s why I responded? Should I stick to my guns (and my rules about going backwards with regards to ex’s) and withdraw my reach out to my ex-FWB? Should I stick to my even larger artillery and not reach out to anyone because I’m Hep B-positive and have promised myself that I wouldn’t inflict anyone with it because it was done to me and that’s why I’m celibate; AS WELL AS not reaching out to potential dates because it could turn into something permanent and I really don’t have the time to put into a relationship because I’m busy writing and dealing with other “gems” that life is dropping in my path for me to scoop up? (Phew! Inner turmoils are frakkin’ exhausting!)

I don’t know, loyal ADauphin04 blog followers… What have I gotten myself into? Geez, even considering relationships are hard work!

This I DO know… I am lonely and would love to go on some dates. What they lead to is, well, what they lead to and I’m not going to analyze them to a slow tortuous death. I also know that these inner turmoils will turn into huge squalls that will threaten my wa (WA is, for those of you who don’t know, Japanese for harmony) and I’m damned if I’ll let that happen because wa is too difficult to come by. I also, also know that if I keep my head up my a$$ I will miss out on and possibly lose connection with some really good “friends who have potential” and will end up alone with my cat and my snake living in single (not so) blessedness. While that may be good enough for the divine Bette Davis, is it good enough for the earthly Traci Ford?

Jus’ wonderin’ …

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