Today marks the 4th wedding anniversary (yeah it was a civil union because we don’t live in an enlightened state but SCREW IT they’re frakkin’ married in my eyes!) of two friends of mine. This led me to start thinking (which for those of you who know me is a scarily arduous and most times convoluted act) about my romantic life, or lack thereof. Being in a relationship is a lot of work for any of us who are fortunate enough to find that special some one and I applaud ANYONE who knows this and still goes through with it. However being in a LGBT relationship just adds more shyte we have to carry and get through mostly because of heteroes and their judgments, therefore LGBT couples get standing ovations for deciding to still get hitched.
I have a great many issues (well, really subscriptions because OMG! has my romantic life been a royal frak up on so many different levels that the light from frakked up would take 50 million light years to reach me!!!) when it comes to dating. One major issue (and the reason for this blog) is my rigidness when it comes to those potential dates who are out or not.
I met this woman on a LGBT online dating site, only it turned out, initially, that she was looking for a friend and not a mate. In one of the first emails she sent me she stated that she wasn’t gay, nor was she bi or even bi-curious. I absorbed this and decided to befriend her even though I was really looking for a date and not necessarily another friend.
As time went on, I found we had some things in common, though she had her own rigidness to deal with when it came to things she did or did not believe versus what I did or did not believe. But what’s the point of befriending someone who has EVERYTHING in common with you? There can’t be any growth or anything new to learn, whether or not you agree with it. Then to my great surprise, I found myself getting frustrated with her, mostly because I was falling for her and there was nowhere to go with these feelings. I then did something really stupid, mostly because my head was up my a$$. Instead of talking this out with her and both of us trying to do something (or nothing) about these feelings, I emailed her that I had to withdraw from her completely because I knew she was hetero and I was initially looking for a date and not a friend and, yadda, yadda, yadda… yeah, I told you my head was up my a$$!
THEN, a few months later she emails me that she wanted us to meet to go to an LGBT event (as what happens with some online connections we hadn’t actually met yet so this would have been our first meeting); and that she was exploring some new-found interests in her life (now all of a sudden she’s frakkin’ curious!); and she misses hearing my sexy voice and, yadda, yadda, yadda… yeah, my head is still up my a$$ at this point and it takes me a while to figure out what to say…
So here we are a month later from her email and I respond with an apology for my “I-don’t-need-another-frakkin’-friend” email and if she’s in a forgiving mood can we make up and be friends (not to mention I’m willing to help her through this curious time in her life). I should also mention at this point that I’ve also reached out to an ex-FWB (Friend With Benefits) to reconnect with her.
Now here’s my internal turmoil… Did I FINALLY respond to Ms. OK-so-I-AM-Curious and reach out to my ex-FWB because I’m lonely and this will pass? Do I still harbor feelings for Ms. OK-So-I-AM-Curious and that’s why I responded? Should I stick to my guns (and my rules about going backwards with regards to ex’s) and withdraw my reach out to my ex-FWB? Should I stick to my even larger artillery and not reach out to anyone because I’m Hep B-positive and have promised myself that I wouldn’t inflict anyone with it because it was done to me and that’s why I’m celibate; AS WELL AS not reaching out to potential dates because it could turn into something permanent and I really don’t have the time to put into a relationship because I’m busy writing and dealing with other “gems” that life is dropping in my path for me to scoop up? (Phew! Inner turmoils are frakkin’ exhausting!)
I don’t know, loyal ADauphin04 blog followers… What have I gotten myself into? Geez, even considering relationships are hard work!
This I DO know… I am lonely and would love to go on some dates. What they lead to is, well, what they lead to and I’m not going to analyze them to a slow tortuous death. I also know that these inner turmoils will turn into huge squalls that will threaten my wa (WA is, for those of you who don’t know, Japanese for harmony) and I’m damned if I’ll let that happen because wa is too difficult to come by. I also, also know that if I keep my head up my a$$ I will miss out on and possibly lose connection with some really good “friends who have potential” and will end up alone with my cat and my snake living in single (not so) blessedness. While that may be good enough for the divine Bette Davis, is it good enough for the earthly Traci Ford?
Jus’ wonderin’ …