I was watching MISS ADVISED, a “reality” TV show that follows three 20 to 30-something single women who are in search of love (be it in the form of “Mr. Right” or simply “Mr. Right-Now”).
Then, just now I read a blog by a woman who is leaving her husband because he is an alcoholic and though she knows staying with him is detrimental to her and her children, she is lamenting (via some very intense and beautiful prose) the loss of him and the good things she misses about being with him.
I recently posted a blog “After the End of the Affair” in which I speak of the good that came in the aftermath of a toxic relationship, but an intensely loving (and lustful) relationship, nonetheless.
What is it about RR’s (Romantic Relationships) that make us long for them even after they’ve ended? What is it that makes us want to stay with someone, even when our minds tell us that they’re not good for us? Why is it we are made to feel “less than” if we’re not “with” someone?
Is this what the whole “Adam’s rib” syndrome is about? Are we destined to be a part of someone else and is that why we feel “less than” when we can’t find the right one to spend the rest of our lives with?
I, by no means, take the bible literally. I think it has some good guidelines by which I can live my life. There are also stories that ring false to me; stories that I feel are included in the bible in order to keep people (ESPECIALLY women) in line with earthly religious dogma. By that same token there are stories that have been left out of the bible, that don’t jibe with what religious leaders are trying to force down our throats, but that ring true and logical.
The story of Lilith, up to the point where she is banished from Eden because she won’t submit to Adam and turned into a demon, is one of the stories that is left out that rings true and logical to me. I don’t know why, but it feels wrong that women would be created from Adam’s rib. I think this is one of those cases where religious (mostly male) leaders slipped this in so they could subjugate women and make us feel as though we are nothing without them.
If you’re a “follower” of my blog, then you know that I am a late bloomer with regards to coming out in my 40s. So, this blog speaks not only to a heterosexual longing for “a better half” or significant other, but is inclusive of all of us who seek to find that one person with whom we can feel whole. An endeavor that is doomed to failure from the beginning because we look to someone else to complete us.
Why is it not considered “normal” to feel whole, alone? To not be considered a “good” or “normal” person because we don’t have someone with whom to travel life? Better halves? Significant others? These phrases, in and of themselves, indicate that we aren’t a part of the whole of society or considered to be a healthy and whole person if we aren’t “with someone” who is supposedly the “something” by which we can feel like whole human beings.
I am almost 47 years old and I am still unmarried. Sometimes I feel lonely; that I will never again know the contentment of having that certain someone I can turn to when I’m having a bad day, who will tell me that “it will get better” or to simply hold and caress me. Most times I am grateful that I don’t have a certain someone with whom I need to “check in” before I decide to do something or go somewhere; that I am free to be who I am, warts and all, without thinking of how it affects someone else or their public persona.
I think back to the women on MISS ADVISED and identify with and pity them. There is one woman, a “sex expert” that is content to date with no thought of moving her RRs to the “next level”. Her family and co-worker think she has some kind of commitment phobia that prevents her from finding her better half, or significant other. (As if she is INsignificant without someone else.) They make her feel as though she is less than because she isn’t searching high and low for HER mate; the “Adam” whose rib from which she was created and couldn’t possibly feel whole again without. The same thing with the blogger who laments the loss of her alcoholic husband and the good times they had together.
I want to reach out to these women and others (male and female, alike) and hold them and tell them that they are magnificent people in their own right. They don’t need another half, or an “other” to make them whole. Sure, search for someone with whom you can share your whole life! But if you’re content to be whole and alone, that’s OK, too.
Lilith was created as Adam’s equal. A person in her own right. Two whole people who were created separately to travel life’s journey together on equal footing. Neither is stronger, better or more significant than the other. This sounds healthy. This sounds right.
Jus’ sayin’ …